So to anyone who hasn’t seen my last name, my family is Polish. In the midwest, we have this wonderful tradition called Fat Tuesday or Pączki Day. It’s like Mardi Gras but with more calories, as we make these fantastic pastries called pączki. The commercial ones are closer to jelly donuts, but the homemade ones are an experiment in how much fat and sugar you can put in a single confection before it immediately induces a heart attack. (I want to say even the commercial ones weigh in at about ~1600 calories a pop.)
The spirit behind the holiday is to use up all of your sugar, fat, and joy to prepare for the Lenten season leading up to Easter. During Lent, Catholics believe you should be starving and unhappy for 40 days, because Jesus died and you should feel bad.
But before that, binge eating!
How to make pączki:
- half a pound of butter.
- whip it good.
- add all of the sugar in your house.
- get ten egg yolks. not whites. yolks. separate that shit because we don’t even have room for egg whites. give them to some fast food joint that’s trying to be healthy with egg products.
- add this to your butter / sugar mixture.
- add a shot of rum.
- add one shot of rum into the chef.
- separately, mix warm milk and yeast. add this to your mixture.
- gradually add six cups of flour.
- eventually this will turn into dough. let it rise like a revolution.
Here are some pączki rising.
Yes, we need both of these.
- Now they’re ready to be fried.
- Mix 1 part lard and 2 parts crisco and fry those suckers in your burning liquid heart attack until golden brown.
- Now we can add filling, like fruit jam, pudding, or custard.
- Because there isn’t enough sugar on them yet, you can put powdered sugar or glaze on them.
- Devour several dozen.